I feel like my brain puked on my heart.. Or maybe vice versa? Either way, I feel like I’m cracking a little. I was doing so well. I was falling apart staying with my ex. I was losing myself… I finally “grew some balls” and left him. I was torn apart at first, of course. I moved to Texas and had no job, no friends.. so I was alone to think a lot. After I started to let go and stop feeling sorry for myself I saw a dramatic change in my thought process. I started liking myself more and becoming more positive. I still believe I am.. But today is just not my day. I’m stressing out with managing my money… I feel like I wont have enough to save like I wanted to. I wanted to save to move to Colorado and with all my bills and less pay… It just seems overwhelming. Especially when I now have someone else.. Whom would like to move with me and really wants me to save up money. I know he means well, but I’m stressing out about it. I feel pressured to have the money by summertime.. Which, most likely, will not happen. He’s a great guy.. but he’s planning everything so fast and I just can’t keep up. I want to move as badly as he does, but I know my limitations. I will not have the money by then, not enough. I would like to be more open with him on all of my feelings but I guess my last relationship has left me with some trust issues. I just freeze up when he asks me what I’m thinking about. My mind goes blank or I panic because I don’t want to tell him and can’t think of a bullshit answer.. I like that he wants to know.. but my automatic reaction when he keeps asking is anger.. I don’t show it normally.. But I feel annoyed that he keeps asking me because I really don’t want to tell him. I should try to be more honest with him.. I just don’t know how to get there. Half the time he’s very interested in what I’m thinking about or have to say.. But there are times I actually want him to talk to me and ask me things and those are the times he’s oblivious..heh. I guess I’m still a silly girl, in wanting him to just hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I always wanted that, even though I know that everything wont be okay. At least, not all the time.
Also.. My ex keeps messaging me with beautiful bullshit about how much he’s changed and will treat me so much better. It’s sad how much weight his words still have on me. I know not to believe it. But it still pulls at my heartstrings a little. I just wish I had a friend.. Just one good friend is all I would need. Someone to talk to about everyday things, and also to have to confide in. I want someone to hug and share things with. I feel like I’m in the dark. When I moved, I became non-existent to a lot of my friends.. I had one that would do anything for me, until I fucked everything up by choosing my ex over her. She has new friends and doesn’t need me.. I guess that’s karma.
Lately I feel like crying now and then.. But nothing comes out. I almost wish I could so I can release this frustration and pain. I don’t want to be emo. I just want someone to be there for me to help me through this. I am tired of feeling lonely. I am used to being alone, but I do need some comforting now and again.