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Demon inside..

I thought I was rid of the beast within me, when I left you. Your mind games really did a number on me… I thought after my revelation and determination to leave you that I had left all of it behind. I was weak for about a month after it all went down. I missed you and the familiarity/comfortable-ness of being with you. You made me feel so guilty too. Even though I knew my actions were justified. Even now I will occasionally catch myself feeling bad about “destroying” you. As if you honestly cared enough to feel such strong emotions over the loss of me. You just don’t like change. You didn’t like that I left you. It’s only okay for you to leave me.. and you had nobody to control anymore. Not to mention no friends… I got off subject. After the month of guilt, I started becoming more positive. A bit before I met him, but it definitely showed more once he came into my life. He told me before we met he would kiss me. I was nervous all night, but by the time he made his move my defenses were down. Right after the movie he told me to kiss him. Best kiss I’ve had… More and more I was healing.. growing more positive and happy. I think it started going downhill when I would read or respond to your messages.. That and caring so much for him. I guess I had more issues than I thought. I really thought I had beaten being “broken” and went straight to being fixed. I’m not fixed. I have to work on this anger that’s inside of me before it destroys me…and my relationship.
I have to let you go. Completely. What we had was a thing of the past. I just want to move forward and be happy with him.

Explosion

I feel like my brain puked on my heart.. Or maybe vice versa? Either way, I feel like I’m cracking a little. I was doing so well. I was falling apart staying with my ex. I was losing myself… I finally “grew some balls” and left him. I was torn apart at first, of course. I moved to Texas and had no job, no friends.. so I was alone to think a lot. After I started to let go and stop feeling sorry for myself I saw a dramatic change in my thought process. I started liking myself more and becoming more positive. I still believe I am.. But today is just not my day. I’m stressing out with managing my money… I feel like I wont have enough to save like I wanted to. I wanted to save to move to Colorado and with all my bills and less pay… It just seems overwhelming. Especially when I now have someone else.. Whom would like to move with me and really wants me to save up money. I know he means well, but I’m stressing out about it. I feel pressured to have the money by summertime.. Which, most likely, will not happen. He’s a great guy.. but he’s planning everything so fast and I just can’t keep up. I want to move as badly as he does, but I know my limitations. I will not have the money by then, not enough. I would like to be more open with him on all of my feelings but I guess my last relationship has left me with some trust issues. I just freeze up when he asks me what I’m thinking about. My mind goes blank or I panic because I don’t want to tell him and can’t think of a bullshit answer.. I like that he wants to know.. but my automatic reaction when he keeps asking is anger.. I don’t show it normally.. But I feel annoyed that he keeps asking me because I really don’t want to tell him. I should try to be more honest with him.. I just don’t know how to get there. Half the time he’s very interested in what I’m thinking about or have to say.. But there are times I actually want him to talk to me and ask me things and those are the times he’s oblivious..heh. I guess I’m still a silly girl, in wanting him to just hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I always wanted that, even though I know that everything wont be okay. At least, not all the time. 


Also.. My ex keeps messaging me with beautiful bullshit about how much he’s changed and will treat me so much better. It’s sad how much weight his words still have on me. I know not to believe it. But it still pulls at my heartstrings a little. I just wish I had a friend.. Just one good friend is all I would need. Someone to talk to about everyday things, and also to have to confide in. I want someone to hug and share things with. I feel like I’m in the dark. When I moved, I became non-existent to a lot of my friends.. I had one that would do anything for me, until I fucked everything up by choosing my ex over her. She has new friends and doesn’t need me.. I guess that’s karma.

Lately I feel like crying now and then.. But nothing comes out. I almost wish I could so I can release this frustration and pain. I don’t want to be emo. I just want someone to be there for me to help me through this. I am tired of feeling lonely. I am used to being alone, but I do need some comforting now and again. 

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